Medical Myth Buster: Faking It Will Help Keep Your Partner from Cheating
by Fernanda Beccaglia | 03/28/2012
Myth: Faking It Will Help Keep Your Partner from Cheating
Bust: Wrong. Although that didn’t stop women from trying this approach.
More than half (54 percent) of women surveyed admitted to faking an orgasm, and “women who thought their partners might cheat were more likely to be the ones doing the faking,” according to a 2011 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
You may fool him. After all, the study found that 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event, but that compared with 64% of women who reported having had an orgasm. Researchers said that the difference is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event. So simple math prevails. A couple of other truths from the study: Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, while women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included
But back to the matter at hand. Faking it can blow up in your face if your partner finds out that you have been faking it all along. For many women, it isn’t easy to talk about it for fear of hurting her partner’s feelings, while some believe that faking it will keep their partners from straying. The truth is, if your relationship is not based on love, trust, communication and respect, you’ve got bigger problems than the fake. And if a man is prone to cheating, faking it won’t make much of a difference, if any.
From Jay Tow:
I suggest to my clients that honesty is the best way to insure a healthy relationship as well as a healthy sex life. People need to be less focused on achieving orgasm and more focused on enjoying their partner and getting pleasure on sexual encounters.
One of the most, if not the most, self-defeating beliefs is not feeling good enough. It sets people up for the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, isolation, and depression. It is based on an invalid belief based on comparing ourselves with what we believe others to be. When we compare ourselves to others we invariably find ourselves to be less than.
There is only one richest, most talented, most successful, attractive, smartest, etc. When we sit at a traffic light and envy the person next to us in the more expensive car, maybe our dream car, we see ourselves as not measuring up somehow. I hear clients talk about not being where they should be in their lives compared to others their age. The result of this is poor self-esteem and feeling depressed. The focus is on what you haven’t achieved and what we don’t or haven’t had and on what others appear to be in their lives. Everyone’s path in life is different.
First, what we see of others is only the surface and only a snapshot. We do not know what they experience or feel nor the issues or problems they might be facing. Second, life is not a competition. We can only be who we are and experience what we experience. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have things we like and don’t like about ourselves.
I will write more on this topic in coming days. Begin by writing a list of the accomplishments you have. We all have them. List even what you might think as trivial (example: got an A in math in 8th grade). Focus on your strengths and improving those parts of yourself you might think of as lacking. Those things you fear need to be faced if you want to overcome them. More to follow…………………
As much as would like our lives to be smooth and without problems, it isn’t the way life unfolds. It is not a matter of if we will have an issue or problems to deal with, but when. Having the ability to deal with and overcome adversity is an important part of having a rewarding and fulfilling life. For me it begins with accepting that life isn’t fair and that we have limited control over many aspects of our lives. When things are going smoothly we have the illusion that we have everything under control. It is not until a problem presents itself that we are hit the reality. There are many, many things beyond our awareness or control.
I hear many people say, “If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck,” or “Why do bad things always happen to me.”, or “I must have done something very wrong because I am being punished.” None of this is true and the universe is not out to get you personally.
Don’t do things to avoid the feelings that come up with regard to the problem. Write about it. Talk to friends and family. Try to learn the lessons you can from the situation. The key is acceptance. You cannot change the past. You can only move forward.
You will find that you are much stronger than you think and can deal with a lot. We learn from the problems we face and the mistakes we have made. When we have not succeeded at something it does not make us a failure. There is a lot of truth to the saying that those things that don’t kill us make us stronger.
We are more like a movie than a snapshot. Don’t judge yourself or others by a single action.
One of the most common issues facing the clients I have worked with over the years is not understanding what defines them. “I don’t know who I am. I feel empty.” So many of us go through our lives on autopilot and afraid to feel and experience life. Many of us are scared to have expectations and dreams. Life is too short not to live it. It is important to know ourselves and what we want from our lives.
Who are we? We are every thought, feeling, and experience we have had. We are the meaning we give to things. We are not what others think we are or should be. Many parents define their children. As adults many people use these outdated beliefs to guide their lives. Just because your parents had a certain belief, you are not required to care this thought with you. My Mother had the belief that life is a bitch and then you die. Much of my life I accepted this belief. As my Mother was before me, I was depressed and negative. I went years without realizing that I was depressed and that there was actually an alternative to what I was experiencing. I can’t call it “feeling” because I was pretty numb most of the time. When I finally realized that this wasn’t working for me and that my life was a mess, I had no idea that I had options. All I knew was what I was taught and what I believed. It took time. I tried different thoughts and beliefs. Then I tried one that began to work after a while. “Life is to be enjoyed.” It took time and was uncomfortable. But, after some time it worked much better.
What I learned is that I am my thoughts and feelings as well as my values and beliefs. I am the one who determines what that is. I am continuing to change and evolve as a person. What defines me is what is inside me and not what others believe about me. I try to convey and teach my clients to do this for themselves. This way that can be defining themselves and know what defines them.
What does it all mean? Does my life have a purpose? Is there a plan or are events just random? Mankind has been asking this question from the beginning. The kind of question we face laying in bed at night alone in our thoughts. If you ask someone with strong religious beliefs you will get one answer. A spiritual person will answer differently. An individual who has no particular spiritual or religious beliefs will have another answer. Are the all right? Are they all wrong?
The conclusion I have come to is that we all determine what the meaning of life is or our purpose. Is there something you are supposed to learn? Is there something you are supposed to achieve? Is there a cause you are here to champion? What about happiness and contentment? The hedonist says it is all about pleasure.
I know one thing. Life is better if we have a purpose. We are better served if that purpose is determined by us and not by another individual or group. I do not look for some universal truth. I look for my own truth. My truth may not be yours just as your truth may not be mine. If you value your life then you value yourself more.
I think that “procrastination” is a good topic to begin with. Mostly because I have been procrastinating about getting my Blog back up and running for a considerable amount of time. I would like to apologize for those who had been following my Blog for my abrupt departure. I had been advised that it was in my best interest to take the Blog down.
What was behind my procrastination when it came to blogging again? One word, “fear.”I feared doing it wrong, not knowing what to say, being judged, failing, fear of the unknown, and even success. These are common reason why people procrastinate even when they know that doing the tasks they are avoiding will benefit them. Other reasons for procrastinating are avoiding unpleasant or dangerous tasks.
It seems the more we procrastinate, the more difficult it becomes to tackle the task. I am all for facing fears in order to overcome them. The way to overcome procrastination is to stop thinking about the task and start doing it. I know its easier said than done. Just the act of starting will help us to feel better about ourselves and motivate us to continue. One bit of advice: even though you know that procrastination is not good, don’t beat yourself up over engaging in it. It wont help your overcome it and it wont help your self-esteem.
We need to build new habits in order to change from the old ones that have not been working, in order to improve our lives. In many cases, these are the habits that cause us problems and complicate our lives. Procrastination is one of them.